Grugger’s Way

First of all, I didn’t go to very many retirement parties. I went to my own, of course, and there were just two of those. I hosted one party (which means I picked up the tab), and attended just a few parties for my aging co-workers who were “hanging up their hat,” so to speak.

I don’t know where “hanging up my hat” originated, perhaps with old cowboys (wranglers), or saddle tramps, or outlaws, or hobos; maybe police or old time sheriffs were the people who coined the term. I would welcome any suggestions.

But back to surviving retirement parties:

1. I always ate plenty BEFORE the party so I could just nibble at the various unhealthy things offered up on trays and serving lines.
So long as I was carrying around a napkins and a paper plate with various pieces of rolled up meat, etc, nobody felt offended or could tell how little I was eating. I learned this from women, who are VERY good at faking it and thus do not gain weight at parties.

2. If I knew I was likely to be drinking anything with alcohol, I would drink a couple of shots of OLIVE OIL before I left home. This slowed the absorption of alcohol and kept me on my feet. Carrying around a large glass with coke also looked a lot like rum and coke and nobody ever needed to know what a lightweight I was. I also learned this from women, who are VERY good at faking it and thus do not get drunk at parties.

3. If at all possible I left early. Once the other party-goers started getting fueled up they never missed me. If I had to give a speech I practiced #1 and #2 above until I could get out of there.

4. I was meticulous about speaking to every other person at the party. That way they remembered that I had at least showed up. If I missed a guy or two it didn’t really matter but I ALWAYS made sure I spent some time with each woman because they ALWAYS remembered if I ignored them. I learned this from a woman too, and there is no way to fake talking to them; you have to actually make eye contact.

5. I practiced getting fresh air as often as I could. Even the restroom is a good place to take a break. Very few party-goers, if any, will ever notice how often or how long you spend in the restroom. Even if they did, could you imagine them MENTIONING IT?

6. I always sent a note the next day. “Great party…etc.” A guy may not need this, but his wife will notice if you don’t thank them. I also learned this from a woman–the hard way.

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