May 23 2008
Retirement Surprise THREE - Loneliness
Retirement Surprise Three - Loneliness is something I have never before experienced in my entire life. I’m not sure what that says about my previous life-perhaps I have been privileged, fortunate, sheltered, loved or oblivious-but I cannot recall ever having these feelings of isolation, emptiness, aloneness.
I know there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Being alone and being content with that aloneness allows one to think, plan, reflect, and contemplate. Some of these concepts overlap, of course. I used to treasure my alone time. I was a single parent with four children for fifteen years. As a child, I had four younger sisters. My God! I was never alone! Then I was in the Navy. On board an aircraft carrier with 4,000 other guys I never had time to myself without interruption, whether by a fire drill or a bunch of guys arguing about cars or sports or something. Private time has always been at a premium.
Now I am in early retirement and home alone all day. My spouse is gone for ten hours each day. Under normal circumstances, during the day I have no human contact. I have plenty of alone time. But this seems different; and it has come as a big surprise. I am lonely. I miss not having the nearby noise of co-workers, the phones ringing, the walk-in visits by contractors and consultants. I guess I never knew that I valued that; how I needed that.
My wife was first to notice my demeanor after a few weeks of retirement. She told me that I was lonely. I disputed that at the time, but now I recognize that she was correct. At home during the day I am isolated from the life I previously enjoyed. Those work acquaintances substituted for real friendship. I realize that I have never made real friends. “Navy buddy” is a familiar term that implies friendship, but it never meant that to me; my buddies were just co-workers in close living quarters. Outside of work, I had no friends with whom I shared activities or secrets. Men friends-the guys we hang out with on the weekends-was limited to college days (pre-marriage days). With marriage and children and a job, there was no time anymore for hanging out with the guys. It wasn’t something I needed. I didn’t make time in my life for anyone else beyond family. Now I regret that.
Here at home I am isolated from everything. I live out in the country. I don’t know my neighbors, although I know some of their names and the names of their dogs. I watch two donkeys play in the neighbor’s fenced enclosure. I watch deer by the dozen wander through my yard. I have dogs and cats. I’ve never been one to talk to animals. I always thought it was a weird thing for people to do. Now I know at least partially why they talk to their pets. I guess a pet can help them (and me) believe that it matters whether or not I get up in the morning. They are always excited to see me. I can’t bring myself to say that they are “happy” to see me.
Sitting at the computer screen and interacting with “chat” rooms leaves me cold. These people are lonely too, and it doesn’t seem like there is a serious thought in a thousand chatters. Perhaps they are all teenagers and degenerates, I don’t know. I do know it didn’t alleviate my loneliness; I fought off the feelings that I was becoming one of “them.”
I now deal with the isolation and loneliness by driving to town and shopping in the hardware store or the grocery store where they know me. I even strike up a conversation now and then about something that doesn’t really matter, just to engage with someone for a few minutes. It is important when the checkout clerks thank me and use my name-even though they just see it come up on the credit card printout. Now I understand more about my Father, who is 86-and lives alone-and lonely.
